Welcome simmers, to the first chapter of the Lovely Little Legacy! In case it wasn't obvious, and it's not, really; Forinbras Lovely is a knight. He's got the suit, he's got the sword and he's got the heart. What he doesn't have, however, is anything resembling a castle. We here at the Lovely Little Legacy strive to be Medieval. (Without, you know, having to play the actual Sims Medieval) We begin this chapter with an image of Fortinbras Lovely killing himself. This is to be a reoccurring theme in this chapter and possibly the whole story, if my past playing ability is any indication. Fortinbras' death is a tragic (translated: totally deserved) event that was the culmination of several important factors, the least of which is my inability to play well. But it's no good giving away the story before it has even begun! As all good stories do, we shall start at the beginning.
For those of you who don't know, a legacy is a challenge that involves raising 10 generations of sims without cheats. Other information can be found by googling 'Legacy Challenge.' (Or by bugging other sims players until they explain it to you, which I have found to be the most effective method.)
Now let's meet the eye candy, who, as usual, looked better in Create a Sim. Fortinbras Lovely is what every good knight should be: Athletic, Disciplined, Good, Ambitious and a Loser. Okay, maybe not that last one. Why did I choose Loser, you may ask? Because the Grim Reaper doesn't take Loser and Unlucky sims until they die of old age. You'd think this would be an unnecessary and annoying insurance, but considering how I play, I'm not taking any chances. I need beefcake here to produce heirs and he can't do that if he's 6 feet under. Frontinbras' favorite food is steak, his favorite music is classical, his favorite color is green, and his favorite woman is the damsel. He aspires to be Living In the Lap of Luxury with a castle worth 100,000. And in case you're wondering, the suit of armor was an outfit that came with Ambitions and can be unlocked with cheats.
“My castle is somewhat lacking.”
That's because you need a job. And as luck would have it, you rolled a want to be a protector of the people, like a good knight! Now let's go sign up for the Law Enforcement career.
“You do realize that we don't roll wants anymore. That was sims2. Now we have wishes. No rolling involved.”
Sorry, but I can't kick the habit. You'll have to get used to it. 'Granting wishes' makes me feel like a fairy godmother, not a god. Which I am. BOW INFIDELS.
“Onward, my noble steed! To the place of law and order!”
“Sir, do you mean the Police Office?”
“Onward, steed! Onward!”
“I better be getting paid extra for this.”
Silly driver. Sims don't pay for taxis! Now that I think on it, that sounds kinda illegal. Hey Fortinbras, cough up some cash!
“I shall reward him with oats for a job well done.”
Eh. Good enough. Not like we have money at this point anyway.
“Hah! You think that is the proper way to dress to battle evil? Why, they would cut you and your silly hat to ribbons! Bullet proof is the only way to go. And where's your weapon? How will you do combat without a sword?”
“Oh lord. *rolls eyes* Not another of WWW's loony sims.”
Well, despite Fortinbras' quirks, he can't be worse than the maxis cops. In general they're only good for 3 things: Not showing up in time to catch burglars, getting beat up by burglars, and claiming there is no burglar and that you owe them a fine on top of all the expensive things the burglar stole from you. Not that Fortinbras is likely to have more luck catching them, what with the loser trait. Maybe he can decapitate them with his custom sword accessory?
“To arms! My first day in the battle against evil begins!”
While Fortinbras fights the forces of evil and paperwork, I hunt around town for a suitable wife. Finding a legacy wife in sims3 is nothing like finding one in sims2. There's so many factors like age, marriage status, bad traits. I find a couple promising ones, but the sims wiki informs me that they're either taken or lesbian. But wait! Is that a simself I spy?
It is! I've never made a simself before, so I was fascinated watching a sim-me wander around the park. It should probably be noted that she doesn't look too much like me, but my sim-making skills are limited. She does, however, only wear clothes similar or identical to clothes I myself own. For example, I own these nearly identical glasses and scarf. My hair is similar as well. Okay, okay, I know none of you are interested in my pixelated version of myself. But gosh darn it she's just so cute!
Fortinbras sits down to a game of chess and immediately every sim in the area flocks to watch. Do sims really have nothing better to do with their time than watch a chess match between a young Crumplebottom and a man in armor? Well, okay, to be fair, if I saw that, I'd be curious about what was going on too.
“So if I move one space, I'll be able to capture her knight, but if I move two spaces I can- Hey, wait a minute...”
“Foul witch! That pawn was not there a minute ago! I demand you tell me what sorcery you have used to move it while I was distracted!”
“I'm just moving it one place. That's all. I swear.”
I don't know if I would threaten her, Fortinbras. That woman can do considerable damage with a purse, and that was long after her prime. I don't want to know what a young and fit Crumplebottom could do to you.
“Keep pointing that at me, sonny, and I'll do things to you with knitting needles that would make the grim reaper cry.”
Well, Fortinbras sure is popular with the ladies. Take your pick! Nothing attracts the women like a battle of wits.
“I'm the white ones right? Or am I the black ones? If only this weren't so difficult!”
Oh right, he's a loser. I forgot. Crumplebottom beat him soundly every time. In fact, I think she's falling asleep in this picture.
“Curses! You win again, Crumplebottom! And so effortlessly too! But next time I shall be victorious! I shall-….Crumplebottom? …Crumplebottom?”
“Zzzzz... nasty perverts.... zzzzzzz.”
Oh look! It's Kaylynn Langerak! You know, the maid that was having an affair with Daniel Pleasant? Hmmm... I somehow remember her being prettier. And less troll-ish. That face isn't going to be selling any lemonade with its adorable expressions.
In fact, I think even Kaylynn is embarrassed with how she turned out. Poor thing isn't quite as pretty as the hot young maid that sauntered around in heels and a mini skirt.
“Oh dear, what an ugly little girl.”
“Ahahahahaa! Troll face! Troll face!”
“Well at least I'll be alive 15 years from now! No one has even heard of you three!”
You tell em Kaylynn.
According to the wiki, these two sims usually become lesbians if left to story progression. A shame, because they both are pretty enough to be possible spouses. Minus some questionable taste in hats and a little too much poundage on the other.
“You know what I hate? Empty plates? Want me to go cook up some more BBQ?”
No thank you. You've done enough damage for one day, I think. My founder thanks you for the free meal though.
“Hey Crumplebottom? Do these seem a little black to you?”
“No blacker than my soul. My lonely, heartbroken soul.”
Have you ever seen Crumplebottom's house and backstory in TS3? It's really sad. She's got a dead fiance and an unfinished baby room. It almost makes me forgive her for all the years she spent whacking my sims with purses. Almost.
Blair Wainwright seems promising enough, and the wiki confirms she has desirable traits. The wiki also says that, if left to her own devices, she usually marries Cycl0n3 Sw0rd, which leaves me in doubt about her judgment.
“Hello? That's my future wife. Will you move out of the way? Please?”
How cruel story progression can be, to attach any woman to a man named Cycl0n3 Sw0rd.
She's sorta pretty, I guess, except for her nose. I'm not sure I want children who have such tiny pug noses.
“Snort snort snort. You're so funny Fortinbras! Snort!”
Lay off the jokes for a while, Fortinbras. I'm not sure how well she can breath and laugh at the same time.
Also, am I the only one who thinks she bears a resemblance to the evil stepsisters from Disney's Cinderella? It's uncanny.
“And then she got to go live far far away in a castle with her prince charming. And does she even bother to visit? Never! I mean, sure we locked her in the attic and made her do all our housework, but she was a neat sim! That's what neat sims do!”
“Baby, I could be your Prince Charming.”
Don't get too attached, there are lots of sims out there with better noses. And less stalkerish crushes.
Fortinbras went over to visit Blair and Cycl0n3 followed them around the entire time, giving them angry stares and trying to interrupt so he could talk with Blair.
“I'm looking for my one true love. My dove of hope. My angel of goodness. And I think that could be you, beautiful.”
“Oh Fortinbras! Snort!”
“I'm watching you, helmet head. Waiting. Watching. Planning. Plotting.”
This was her reaction to trying to Fortinbras consoling her after she had a bad day. A delicate flower of womanhood she is not.
“Never do that again!”
Wasn't she supposed to have the good trait?! Am I missing something here?
“Call her off! Call her off!”
How about a nice simple flirt. Will you be okay with that?
“Your pale pink flesh, your beady eyes, your snout nose. You remind me of an animal. My favorite animal.”
“Oh, my. Which one?”
“Errr.... A dove.”
“Teehee. Snort. That's so romantic.”
“Oh Blair. You look so lovely. I would gladly put my life on the line to rescue a damsel such as yourself.”
“Oh wow! You say the most romantic things. Say, do you feel like we're being... watched?”
“I'm have my eye on you, muscle man. I'll be here until you leave. Waiting. Watching. Planning. Plotting.”
The day ends. I sit here and watch Fortinbras sleep, which sounds creepy but is mainly out of boredom. I have a lovely hack that makes sims sleep only 2 or 3 hours a day, but I had to remove it for the legacy challenge. Now it seems like all my sims ever do is sleep. Accomplish something!
“Zzzzzz.... Iwannapony.... zzzzzz.”
Does anyone else get a kick out of looking inside the rabbit holes? This is the police station, with a picture of a man working at the desk. I wonder where they took this picture and who that man is? An EA employee maybe?
Day Two. Behold my amazing playing skills. It's rather sad when my sims on free will tend to do better than my controlled ones.
“Zzzzz... Istillwannapony.... zzzzzz.”
Do you ever wish you could speak simlish? Because I would pay money to know what these two are talking about.
“Whimsy. Whimsy gador. Gadda lavee! Frut neg!” Translation: You stole my TV and my chicken wings, you thief! Give them back!
“Boka tazzle. Nagee? Kadda la fronk fronk.” Translation: Perhaps you have me confused with someone else? I am an innocent townie.
“Freaka la denzee fralle un latzae!” Translation: You're still wearing the same outfit you robbed me in you moron!
It's been a week and I don't have a wife for Fortinbras yet. I'm afraid I'm getting too picky with this, but this is the wife of my founder. I actually have an entire wiki detailing which sims have which traits, something that will become useless in future generations. I know it takes the element of surprise out of it somewhat, but I can't say I'm big into surprises.
Especially because most of my surprises turn out like this.
“Hey, something smells funny.”
That, Fortinbras, would be the smell of your imminent death.
“Are you sure? It smells like waffles. Burning waffles.”
Trust me on this one.
“Argh! Fire demons! Back! Back I say! I knew I should have slept with my sword! And I don't even have my armor to protect me!”
Somehow, I don't think armor and swords give much protection against fire. But you know what would be even more useful? That fire extinguisher you're holding.
“Is there a sword in here? I don't see it.”
Stupid stupid stupid sim. Call the fire department! I will not have my founder die! Not like the last one di- Uh. I mean. I will not let you die!
“Hello? Fire department? There seems to be a problem with my waflles. They're a bit overcooked. Also, I just spent an hour panicking and changing clothes for work instead calling for help, so now half the lot is on fire. So would you mind sending some people over?”
“Noble and ever alert, the brave knight charges into the heat of the fire to do battle with it. Risking life and limb, he braves the heat.”
This all seems very noble and brave until you figure out what he's really doing is running through the fire so he can panic on the other side for a while. I didn't even know sims could run through fire! And where the frickin frack are the firefighters?
“Hey! My cell! Maybe the fire fighters are calling me back!”
*beep beep beep* We're sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again or call your operator for further assistance.
Fortinbras! *sob* Well at least you died beneath a romantic sunset.
And out the fire comes none other than death itself.
But wait! I have insurance! I made Fortinbras a loser just for this reason! Superior sims skills win out the day again! Grimmy never takes loser sims!
“Yeah. He's toast.”
“He's dead. Crispy. Toast. Not coming back. RIP. Six feet under. Deceased. Come on, lady, you've done this enough that I don't need to explain this to you.”
No! You can't do this to me! The wiki said so! They said loser and unlucky sims were immortal until old age kicked in! I demand a refund!
“No can do. I can see what happened here. You're attempting another legacy challenge. After what happened last time, I'm not going to let you go ahead with another one. You had me pulling overtime 3 nights a week. Burnings, electrocutions, drownings, and in your sims2 days, copious amounts of cowplanting.”
No! I've changed! I swear I've changed! Give me back my founder, dammit!
I feel cheated! CHEATED I SAY!
“Hey, Grimmy. What say you and I have a fight to the death to resolve this matter? Sword against scythe. Youth against age. Man against.... whatever it is you are.”
“A fight to the death would be useless at this point, as you are no longer alive.”
“C'mon, be a sport! Are you a man or not?”
Grim Reaper you give me my founder back!
“Oh boohoo. I don't have a founder. I killed another one. Oh Grimmy, please undo my mistakes! Again. And again. And again.”
Hmph. Well, if you won't undo my mistake than I will!
“You don't mean-”
That's right! I have a saved game file! I can undo everything that has been done! Right the wrongs that have been committed! Bring my beloved founder back to life!
Skull head : “Yeah. Because that worked so well with the legacy I was in. Psh. Like you're actually capable of keeping sims alive. I'll believe that when I see it.”
Dress Skeleton: “I still haven't forgiven you for the wedding fiasco! I was going to marry that hot vampire guy that came with Late Night before you did me in!”
Silence. I am an excellent simmer. I killed you because you failed to amuse me.
Unicorn: “So that's why you were banging on your keyboard and wailing about how much you suck at this game when it happened?”
I'm not listeniiiiiiiiiiing. Lalalalala.
Laying Skeleton: “Will you guys can it? Some of us are attempting to Rest In Peace over here and your yammering is making it difficult.”
“Hey! You cut that out! This is against legacy rules!”
Not any rules I've read. So there. Nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah.
“Fine, but if I catch you killing any more sims on my days off... There will be trouble.”
What do you take me for, Grimmy?
“I mean it! This had better not happen again! No more leaving them on free will while you grab a bite to eat or never checking their needs or-”
Okay, okay. I get it. Yeesh. You'd think I had killed someone.
“I'm watching you.”
Watch all you like Grimmy. It's time to get my founder back!
We rejoin Fortinbras as he demonstrates to a young Bella Goth the importance of shaving.
“Remember. Nothing says 'uncivilized knave' like stubble. A good close shave is the key to a clean face. And a clean face is the key to a good knight.”
“Mr? That shave looks a little too close. Are you sure you're all right?”
“Aha! Of course I'm all right! I've suffered through worse than this!”
Indeed you have. Welcome back Fortinbras. I missed you.
Why she throws him relationship points for watching him stab himself is beyond me, but I want him to get to know Bella so he can find a way to set her and Mortimer Goth up when they're older. Cheesy I know, but I guess I have the hopeless romantic trait.
Aaaaand, speaking of romantic, we need to get him hitched. His life bar is getting smaller and smaller and we needs heirs. Fast!
NOTE: Since this chapter isn't long enough, we must move onwards to 1.2! Away readers! Away! (And by away I mean to Chapter 1.2. You're not allowed to leave.)
Next Chapter 1.2